Lord Volemort Returns
by Tiberius Jones
Summary: It has only been a few weeks since many in the wizarding world saw Lord Voldemort die. But, Harry's scar has begun to prickle again. Can Voldemort have survived somehow? WARNING: OOC, homosexual innuendo.


_I add my thanks to Mrs, Rowling for her wonderful characters and world that inspires the imagination_.

_Voldemort is feeling quite cheerful_, thought Harry, feeling the emotion building within himself. Hermione looked at him sideways. She had always been able to tell when his scar was bothering him, letting Voldemort's feelings invade his mind.

Harry giggled, unable to stop himself. Hermione snapped her head to look at him sharply. There was absolutely nothing funny about being written a traffic summons by a constable. They had been driving the bashed on Ford Anglia that Arthur had bewitched. The poor automobile was really battered; they had no functioning lights, much less the ability to fly or Disillusion.

Ron lay in the back, passed out from the three-day binge he had been on. Hermione had made Harry go with her to look for Ron. He had disappeared after he was caught _boxing the Jesuit _in the prefect's bathroom while Moaning Myrtle did a striptease with the mermaid.

All three of them had been asked back to Hogwarts as lecturers after the "Final Battle." Voldemort had been killed they all thought, but Harry knew differently. Harry's scar had prickled thirteen days after the fight. He knew immediately that Voldemort had returned again.

No one, Hermione and Ron included, believed him. They had all seen Lord Voldemort die. Harry noticed there was a difference between the old Voldemort and the returned Voldemort though.

The new Voldemort had not once been angry. It was always a happy feeling Harry felt now. That scared him even more. A pleased Voldemort was a successful Voldemort.

Harry burst out loudly, unable to suppress his feelings. The constable looked at him ruefully.

"Do you find the Queen's Laws amusing?" he asked Harry, a sour look developing on his pale face.

"No! Tee hee hee!" tittered Harry, unable to stop himself.

Hermione looked pained, "Please, Sir, he suffers from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. He can't help himself."

"Well, miss, I am a sworn public servant and for that, there shall be respect shown," the constable grumbled.

Harry let out an ear splitting shriek of glee at this. He was fighting to ignore the feelings from Voldemort. He had made it a point not to let himself drift into Voldemort's mind at all. Hermione glared ominously at him.

"That's quite enough from you," shouted the constable, walking to the other side of the Anglia and pulling Harry out as he was overcome by another fit of girlish laughter. Harry was taken and unceremoniously tossed into the gaol.

Laying on the hard metal bedstead, Harry tried desperately not to succumb to Voldemort. He wanted nothing more to do with him. Harry had won the Deathly Hallows and defeated the Dark Lord. _Would he have to return his Order of Merlin_, Harry wondered a bit selfishly, _when they find out the Dark Lord is not dead_?

Harry worried that he would have to fetch the Resurrection Stone and Elder Wand again. What if Voldemort had stolen the wand back? Harry was sweating profusely. He looked at the bars knowing he could just Disapperate if he wanted too; but, he thought about what Hermione would say.

_You must obey the law Harry, Muggle and Wizard. It is the only way our civilizations can coexist_. She had been adamant about that point when they had left to find Ron. Harry tried to relax and lain back down.

The cold metal felt good on the back of his neck. He wondered what would happen next. He had not meant to be disrespectful towards the constable. He was finding it harder to keep the Dark Lord out of his mind. He occasionally caught glimpses of large crowds of people cheering. They were all dressed like muggles though.

That was very odd. Was Voldemort recruiting muggles now? They looked a bit of a rough crowd. Most were dressed in black leather with spikes and heavy chains. Could Voldemort be hiding in the muggle world?

This puzzled Harry. He wanted to confide all this to Hermione and Ron, but they scoffed at him each time he tried. Well, Dumledore had been the one to include them last time. This time he would deal with it on his own if need be.

A rotund and out-of-breath gaoler broke Harry's revery. "You are free to go. Your cuddle has posted your bond. See the Sergeant at the desk to sign for your effects," he slurred.

Harry rose slowly He started to make a retort, but thought better of it. He eventually found himself outside, Hermione looking very cross with him. Worse than she had been when they pulled Ron from a strip club in Blackpool.

She shook her head."They said I can't operate the Ford any farther. It is breaking about two hundred laws. I put Ron up at a hostel just down the road," she scowled.

Looking like she was ready to crucio Harry, she nodded towards the right with her head and they began walking in that direction. They did not speak during the short walk. Hermione seemed to be having a discussion with herself in her mind.

Enjoying not having to speak, Harry focussed on thinking about Dobby, the grief he felt for all the losses in the "Final Battle" provided Harry with the only thing he had ever found to keep the Dark Lord from invading his thoughts.

Tears formed in Harry's eyes as the images of the battle at Hogwarts was relived in his mind. The smell of blood and scorched air. The dead, broken bodies littering the ground. Fred buried in rubble. Tonks and Lupin lying motionless next to Fred in the Great Hall.

Hermione glanced at Harry and her emotions overtook her. "Oh Harry! I am so sorry to be cross with you. Everything will be all right, you'll see. My father knows a very good solicitor who will be happy to help you."

Harry smiled weakly, but chuckled a little to himself. She thought he was worried about a muggle copper? _Come on Hermione, you're supposed to be the brightest witch of your time_, he thought sarcastically.

They arrived at the room she had let for the night. She planned to Disapperate in the morning when Ron could stand by himself. Harry saw there was only a single bed, he grabbed a quilt and found a place on the floor to lie down. Hermione paused, then mumbled she would be back and left.

Harry tried to relax again. His head was not bothering him at the moment. Ron was snoring very loudly which Harry found amusing. It seemed like a decade had passed since he heard Ron snoring in the Hogwarts dormitory.

So much had happened since then. Harry had never really thought about it all. Since the Malfoy family had deserted before the end of the battle, they had been sentenced to ninety days of community service working wandless in the kitchens at Hogwarts.

Fenrir Greyback had been defanged, declawed, and neutered by the Department for Magical Creatures. He was the prime exhibit at the Ministry's petting zoo now, docile as a pup. He remembered how Avery and Nott had been eaten by Grawp, who had been hungry after all that fighting.

Harry thought about Hagrid, he had really put one on after the fighting stopped. They found him naked and passed out in Hogsmead, a Centaur mare sleeping next to him. Peeves had been so crazed he had turned himself inside out and bounced around the halls talking backwards.

Harry slowly sunk into unconsciousness. He was soon dreaming of London. He could see an entrance to the tube. He was feeling so happy and content. He was walking faster, the tube was in Soho, he saw a sign. He was holding hands with someone. When he looked down at his hand he saw it was Voldemort's. He jerked, waking himself.

Panting hard and drenched in sweat, Harry looked around. It was getting dark. Hermione looked up from where she was reading on the bed.

"Harry, there is bread and cheese on the chest of drawers. A fizz as well," she said, much calmer than before.

"Thanks, Hermione. Thanks a lot," Harry answered sincerely.

He was famished. He quickly ate half of the bread and cheese, knocking back the soda in two gulps. What was Voldemort up too? Who would he be holding hands with in central London?

These thoughts bothered Harry. He decided he had to find out. Checking his wand was in his pocket, he turned to Hermione. "Um ... I have to go, Hermione. I need to do something," he told her, more than a little uneasy. He had never been on a quest without Ron and Hermione.

Hermione looked at him puzzled. "Just what do you need to do, Harry? Confund the Constables?" came her retort.

"No, Hermione. I promised you didn't I? I just need to go into London. I won't be long," he answered.

Before Harry could rise, Ron made a gurgling noise and shot up, his eyes bloodshot and bleary. He looked around wildly, racing to the window, he threw it open.

"Ron! What's wrong?" Hermione squealed.

"Sick ..." was all he managed before he began heaving loudly.

Harry watched his best friend emptying his stomach on the flowers under the window of their room. His stomach wrenching over and over. Hermione was at his side, patting him on the back as he leaned out the window.

After ten minutes, Ron collapsed, his back against the wall. He looked from Hermione to Harry and back again.

"How ... How did you find me?" he asked weakly.

"I ... I ..." Hermione stuttered, chewing the end of her hair. Clearing her throat she admitted, "I placed a location charm on you before we broke into Gringotts. I was worried we would get separated."

"And you never took it off?" he snarled, incredulous.

"Well, no," she said sheepishly. "I forgot," she whispered, eye brows raised, her lips pouting.

Ron glared at her. Slowly, his countenance softened. He looked at Harry, who shrugged, indicating he had not known.

"Well, I don't know why you bothered. I am never going back again," he muttered.

"But Ron! You ..." she was cutoff by an incredibly loud belch from Ron which made the whole room smell of stale beer and crisps.

"Ron!" Hermione admonished.

"I am not going back. That's final," he reaffirmed.

Hermione looked to Harry for support.

"Harry, talk some sense into him, please," she pleaded.

"It's his choice really, Hermione. It _was _a rather embarrassing moment," he said tentatively

"'As right," said Ron, a finality in his voice.

. Hermione collapsed on the bed. She was shaking her head and talking to herself. Harry looked at Ron, he was a mess. He had not changed his clothes since he had left. His hair was stringy and looked like he had fallen into a vat of Snape's grease.

"Ron, Hermione, I have to go. I won't ask you to come because I know how you feel about what I've been saying about Voldemort," Harry said flatly.

They both looked at him with the _not again _look. Harry frowned and got to his feet, standing there looking at them, feeling very awkward.

Ron stumbled up, holding the wall to keep his balance. "I'm coming, Harry. I have nothing else to do," he said thickly.

"Ron!" shouted Hermione.

"Don't Ron me! I am going. What if Harry is right?" he countered.

"You saw the same thing I did. The Avada Kedavra curse hit him squarely in the chest. He was not breathing when they moved him. He is **dead**!" she decried emphatically.

Hermione was livid. She wanted nothing to do with this madness. She knew though, that she would be going too. They could not do anything constructive without her. She finally agreed to go, but not until the following day.

She wanted them all to have a good rest before starting out, besides, she had already paid for the night. A poignant display of her displeasure surfaced when Ron tried to lie on the bed with her. She unceremoniously pushed him off.

The morning bore in brightly through the westward facing window. Harry stirred slowly, Ron still snored and was whining " No, Hermione!" several times. Hermione was not to be seen for ten minutes until she returned with breakfast.

Harry thanked her as he ate a scone and drank the strong, hot tea she had brought. Eventually Ron woke up, smelling food. Ron wolfed down four scones and the cheese and bread from the day before. He sent Hermione for more food while he drank some tea with Harry.

"So, what is You-Know-Who up to?" asked Ron.

"I wish I knew. I haven't looked when I have felt him. I have had a few flashes when he is happiest. He is always happy now. I am worried he is building a muggle army or something," answered Harry.

"Wow, an army of muggles? What could they do?" Ron wondered out loud.

"Dunno," Harry replied.

They sat looking out of the window as Hermione returned with bangers for Ron. "

We should leave soon," she said.

Both Harry and Ron nodded in acknowledgment, Ron stuffing the bangers in his mouth two at a time. Hermione collected their few belongings, giving Ron a change of clothes she pulled from her small bag.

They held hands while Harry and Ron let Hermione Disapperate them all to a safe alleyway near Soho. Luckily there was no one near when they arrived. Harry led them towards the tube entrance where he had seen while he was Voldemort in his dream.

There was nothing that jumped out at them. They discussed whether he might have a secret lair down one of the tubes. Ron was busy looking at the numerous stip clubs. He blanched when Hermione told him most of them were for homosexual clientele.

They were tired, their feet hurt, and thirst was invading their minds. They had walked though every nook and corner in a three block radius. Ron complained incessantly. Harry suggested that they stop in a café and take a break.

After they had eaten they sat sipping their drinks. No one in the mood for much discussion. Hermione was convinced they were chasing ghosts.

"Why don't you look into his mind, Harry?" suggested Ron.

"I have been trying not to. I told myself I would never do it again," Harry told him.

"Yeah, but if you want to know where he is isn't it easier?" Ron shot back.

"You should, Harry. I don't know why you think he is back, but if he is still linked, you should do it," Hermione seconded.

"All right, I'll try," said Harry, hesitant to give up control.

Harry closed his eyes and thought about the Dark Lord. He saw a face flash momentarily in front of him. He heard loud music, techno. Harry tried to focus harder. Voldemort was feeling light hearted, he was looking forward to something.

Harry concentrated harder. He saw the street, he was exiting the same tube as last time. He was walking down the street. He could see the many neon lights of various clubs. He was walking towards one. What was the name? Look up! Look up! There it was, vivid, _Palomino Pony_.

"He is in the Palomino Pony!" Harry shouted, drawing glares from the other customers.

"Lets go," cried Ron, excitedly.

They hurried in the direction Harry indicated that Voldemort had taken. Harry could feel excitement and dread building in his chest. They saw it! The Palomino Pony was garishly lit with bills on each side of it. They drew their wands and rushed through the beaded curtain hanging in the doorway.

Techno music blared at them, they felt the deep bass in their bones. The shrill treble hurt their ears. It was dark, with strobe lights flashing incessantly, making everything look as if it were in slow motion.

They scanned the place for any sign of resistance. There were lots of men in leather with spikes and chains. They were dancing. With each other. Harry stood in shock. Hermione couldn't close her mouth. Ron was stammering.

Then Harry saw him. His unmistakable shiny pale skin. His snakelike face. He was on a raised dias, gyrating. Harry pointed, Ron and Hermione looked seeing the Dark Lord as well. They walked closer, wands at the ready.

Voldemort was dancing, he was so happy. This was better than torturing those worthless Death Eaters. He was wearing white y-fronts with the Union Jack on the arse. A tight muscle vest with a happy face on it.

Written over the top was _Who's your Dark Daddy?_ Under the smiley face was written _Spank me! I'm so Evil!_

Harry looked on horrified. Hermione was still unable to close her mouth, she was blushing bright red. Ron was howling with laughter. Voldemort looked in their direction and saw the trio standing there.

"Harry!, Ron!, Hermione!" he yelled gayly, tittering loudly. He ran towards them and jumped into Harry's arms, kissing him on the cheek. He looked at Ron next, but Ron was shaking his finger at him and backing away.

Voldemort wheeled on Hermione. "You look smashing, girlfriend! How _are _you?" he squealed.

Hermione fainted to the floor as Voldemort ran off to join a congo line. Ron looked at Harry who was stunned speechless. They bent over to fan Hermione. Bewildered, the trio walked outside, no one said a word.

Who would have dreamed that the Dark Lord would have ever made his rainbow pendant into the eighth horcrux.


End file.
